The worst piece of horseshit to emerge from culture in 1,000 years.
On omega males and right-wing boyfriends.
I AM AN OMEGA MALE
I think I'm an "omega male." Whenever I'm part of a group, I'm never the leader and usually at least somewhat of an outsider. I'm attractive and can get dates and have relationships but sooner or later the girl stops respecting my boundaries. Even when I date less attractive girls, they eventually lose respect for me. I'm probably a touch aspie. I've largely given up on having a long term, stable and rewarding relationship, which is what I would like, and mostly accepted being alone. Is there a way for an omega male to have a fulfilling relationship with a woman? I can only act alpha or sigma for a while before she sees through it.
DT: If I could go back in time and join a “manosphere meetup,” with a bag of explosives that’d take out everyone— including me—I’d do it.
The alpha/ beta/ omega concept is the worst piece of horseshit to emerge from culture in 1,000 years. Thinking about love in an autistic, analytic manner is anathema to getting it. Alpha/ omega are fake concepts that don’t exist. They only give your anxiety something to latch on to.
You can’t be something you’re not. Trying to be alpha makes you beta. Red Pill people may disagree with me. I’ve forgotten more women than they’ll get in a thousand lifetimes. I’m the greatest living pussy scholar on Earth. You can’t fake it till you make it. You must literally BEE yourself.
Not to say PUAs are always wrong. Misogynists are wrong about everything except women. Heartiste’s pre-Nazi breakdowns of women’s psyches: completely accurate. But men fuck up understanding themselves. There’s a reason the truest movies about masculinity- Point Break, Hurt Locker- came from Kathryn Bigelow. Meanwhile the only good “strong female characters” in cinema came from her ex James Cameron. We have blind spots about ourselves.
There’s no such thing as an Omega male. You’re a nerd. You can’t get laid—like 90% of US men. I can’t tell you how to get pussy. The only way is to have gotten other pussy. But I can tell you life will be better if you stop torturing yourself over bullshit on the internet, with 0 connection to pussy.
Is there a way for an omega male to have a fulfilling relationship with a woman? Bro, I don’t know if anyone can have a fulfilling relationship with a woman. Get some cheap ass first and see if that doesn’t cover it.
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Katherine: I’m with Tacos on this one. Well, sort of.
But toss out these archetypes altogether. You can’t be something you’re not on the one hand, but also, these things are much more fluid than you think. I’ll act like a sniveling sub in the face of bullying if it comes from the wrong person. Other times, I have no problem standing up for myself.
Just losing the notion that you’re an “omega male” will probably do you a load of good. It’s a frame you just don’t need.
Here’s my question for you. What are the boundaries you have that women continuously disrespect? How do you enforce your boundaries in the first place?
And what do you mean by boundaries? Do you mean emasculating you in public? Do you mean cheating on you? Do you mean leaving dirty tampons on your bathroom counter after you’ve asked them multiple times to throw them out? Flirting with other guys? Or do you mean the honeymoon period fades and the attempts to impress you fade?
I think this is an important question to answer.
Without knowing the contours of what the disrespect is, I don’t think either one of us can help you. But take it from me—someone who learns this lesson over and over and over again—I know it feels like you’re doing something right when you tell yourself you’re an Omega male. You’re having the requisite amount of humility.
But truth is, the self-help gurus are right. It’s a self-limiting belief, and it’s not helping you.
TRANS POC DATING TUCKER CARLSON
Hey Tacos, Kat.
I’ve read a lot from both of you, and one of the things I’ve taken away from it is the importance on listening to people that disagree with you about a lot of things. It’s had a big impact on me the last few years.
I fit the typical ideal lib archetype, BIPOC trans woman about to finish my MFA, and while I’ve never struggled to meet men that want to sleep with me, this might be the first time I’ve met a guy I really click with that I could see myself being with for a long time.
It’s difficult to not call myself a leftist given everything I believe, and he’s very much a conservative white guy. I’m also slowly making my way up in a creative industry. My main struggle with going forward with him isn’t about any kind of status or cancellation thing, but my own personal morals.
He’s the kind of guy that, no offense, I’m sure are many of your friends. Regular use of the hard-r n-word and cruel humor and opinions directed at trans people that don’t fit into a conventional ideal. He’s also a few years younger than me. When he’s talking in the group chats, it’s difficult for me to not get uncomfortable about things he says to other people. But when it’s just the two of us, it’s almost perfect. He’s honest whenever his boys try to mock him for being sweet on me. How can I compartmentalize my oversensitivity about language and discourse (not to mention where the culture seems to be slowly heading regarding my specific identity categories, that is, skepticism bordering on active distrust) with all the positive feelings I have about this guy?
I know it’s easy for some people, especially plenty of vocal online conservative guys to have completely different beliefs than their SOs, but how do I do it? Should I?
DT: Beliefs don’t matter. Actions matter.
Racism and social justice are sports teams. We’re spectators. It’s fun to root for your team. Wear their T shirt. But if you give a shit to where you get mad at other teams’ fans, you have a problem.
As a BIPOC MFA trans woman, you were born in Pittsburgh. You’d be a traitor to not like the Steelers. Pittsburgh’s a once top tier city, now a lovely backwater with low self esteem. They worship the Steelers on an Aztec level. It’s fun until they lose and people hurt. Your racist boyfriend is of course a Patriots fan.
We’re spectators. The players are Ibram X. Kendi, Richard Spencer, Kamala Harris, etc. etc.. People who get checks from the racism industry. Neither the Lakers nor any of these people give a fuck about you, or anything but themselves. Kamala Harris will not notice if you die.
It’s a sports argument. You’re fucking up if you’re too into it. Do you like this guy? Is he hot? Does he have a big dick? I have some reactionary views. I’d rather date a hot social justice cunt than an ugly racist. We can simply discuss other things.
The question is, do his backwards beliefs reflect on you personally. Obviously not—he’s dating you. Is he good to you? Beliefs don’t matter. Actions matter. It’s a punchline that Hitler was nice to his dog—well it mattered to his dog. Think of yourself as Hitler’s dog.
Let him like you. Let yourself like him. Let yourself be loved and enjoy it. Don’t look for reasons to fuck it up. It’ll get fucked up all on its own.
Katherine: OK. I’d be remiss not to open with the obvious: please DO NOT think of yourself as Hitler’s dog. Think of yourself as Hitler’s trans mistress, whom a certain subset of conspiracy-minded pornographers believes existed.
Actually, no, don’t do that either.
Think of yourself as the person in the complicated position of having to wear your knowledge that political positions are fandoms on your sleeve, instead of just suppressing it. Think of yourself as you are, a trans woman of color dating a guy who casually drops n-bombs to the boys if he thinks it’ll make them laugh.
There may be a part of you that sees these political affiliations as superficial. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be dating this guy. The question isn’t, “How is this sustaining itself?” so much as “How did it happen in the first place?”
If it weren’t about what tribe you aligned yourself with—what group chats you are or aren’t invited to—neither one of you would have hooked up with one another. And this isn’t exactly a casual thing, you’re in a fully-fledged relationship. A proper transphobe wouldn’t be with you. Someone with serious political motivations wouldn’t commit to you.
That said, I understand the counter-argument that liberals love to make about how these aren’t just signals, it’s real life. There might come a time when his commitment to you versus the sense of belonging being on the Online Right gives him is tested. Do you trust he’ll choose you when it counts? Because I understand why you might not.
But there are also plenty of Good, Liberal Male Feminists who do awful things to women despite what their stated political affiliation is. Political beliefs—especially in this day in age, where most people are LARPing—aren’t always the foolproof predictor for people’s behaviors that we want them to be. That cuts both ways.
What do you think he gets out of these communities? What motivates him? That matters, because therein lies the answer to your question.
I deleted an extra three paragraphs about a similar situation I’d been in. I’ll try to keep it short: a guy I used to see would ask me things like if I thought 6 million was a little high. He was joking, but was he joking? Really? All I know is that when I went to him crying that people were calling me an ugly Jewess, he said, no, you’re beautiful, and that wasn’t a joke.
Over time, this stuff mattered less and less. He didn’t read the literature. He wasn’t engaged. It was just a costume. A nasty costume that would have scandalized my parents had they known, but still a costume.
Sometimes these provocative beliefs are just about finding a sense of belonging in this world. Don’t misread me here: it’s ethically complicated and loneliness isn’t a get out of jail free card for you to say and do whatever you’d like so long as it’s a “LARP.” On my side of the Internet, being principled about these things is painted as a sign of weakness sometimes, but I don’t think it is. These types of partnerships do have a way of going sideways, and it’s smart of you to be cautious.
Friends are lost, true colors revealed in unexpected moments, you find out that it was never a joke, just that for a time, sex and attention was higher on the list of priorities.
I sympathize with people who can’t do it and I understand why they can’t. But like Tacos, I also sympathize with people who can.
It’s a tax. And if it’s one you want to pay, that’s not a character indictment on you. And hey, who knows, maybe you two can build a community together that fits both of your sensibilities—whatever that may look like.
In fact, I hope you do.