only default friend could make me like bullet points

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I always assumed the bulk of it was because of all the pressure to sleep around, and I still think that's a big part of it. Of course there is backlash! For the women who wanted to sleep around more, more freedom to do so has been (mostly) good, but why did it have to come with an additional pressure that we ALL do it?

The idea that everyone really wants the same thing, and sometimes needs to be pressured into it, seems to be a big chunk of the problem here (as in many other cases - whether to have children springs to mind).

Of course it's more complicated than this, as you show really well here.

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Fame sucks ass even with status.

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Which ATO eps would you recommend most highly?

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Apr 19, 2022Liked by Katherine Dee

I think the problem with the "sex negativity" discourse is it conflates 2 very different ideologies:

1) the social conservatives who idealize tradcath life, think feminism went too far and hurt women, are critical of sex work from a "coarsening of society" perspective, and want women to settle down into earlier marriage/childrearing and be "submissive" as a tradeoff for a non-porn-addled, breadwinner husband.

2) the FDS (Female Dating Strategy) types who blame men for the sexual revolution's failures, are critical of sex work from a feminist standpoint, see men paying for dates as a "patriarchy tax" and not something the woman needs to reciprocate emotionally, and want women to withhold sex and stay single unless they can find a man who meets specific standards of high effort in relationships and financial/mental stability.

These people are not even remotely the same. In fact, they hate each other.

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Incredible! I have just found this substack and for a while have been trying to find some writing on this subject. It reminds me a lot of the mid-late 2010s 4chan inspired tumblrs whose "cultural center of gravity" so to speak seems to have moved over to tiktok.

What is also really amazing is the nostalgia for that very same 4chan inspired internet culture (amongst others, for sure) from people under 18, which I can't recall seeing in the 2010s.

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> They might jokingly identify with Lain from the anime Serial Experiments Lain, etc.

I would just like to point out that I have *never* seen a cis woman identify herself with Lain, jokingly or otherwise. That show is the tr*nime par excellence, for the reasons described here: https://archive.amarna-forum.net/amarna/amarnite_on_the_lain_ideal.jpg

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Finally subscribed - the content goes from strength to strength! You're also just a very good aggregator (I like the term 'magpie') . You have a high ROI on the people you feature in your stuff.

Also: you remarked in an earlier post around New Year that audio is "not your medium" - I disagree, but I'm sure you have good reason for thinking it isn't.

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Mar 10, 2022·edited Mar 10, 2022

Time for a comment from the other side. And it's not going to be one that some of you may want to hear.

A lot of their male counterparts around that age are noticing that this shift toward "sex negativity" is coming right around where power in dating is shifting from women to men. Very convenient, eh? I don't think is a malicious conspiracy, but I'm also not going to pretend that I don't understand the cynicism and anger a lot of men are going to feel about the coming lectures about what they "need" to do for women.

All the people preaching about the new wave of sex negativity seem to implicitly assume that men are just going to go along with this after having messages like "a real man gets laid" and "NOBODY OWES YOU ANYTHING" for a decade at their hormonal peak. This is especially the case when the message coming from a mainstream that any man that gets anywhere with women has learned to quite rationally totally distrust by 30. Men are not defective women: we operate differently. The brutal truth is that men simply are not driven by the urge to have families in the same way that women are-they usually come along to the idea with the right woman. If you are relying off the hope of that to get them to get married and start producing families because of instinct in the same way, regardless of how crappy the deal you are offering them is or how openly contemptuous of them you are, you are going to be disappointed.

I want people to get married and have families. I want to minimize the amount of lonely, sad middle-aged people coming. I think it'd be the best for men and women alike if we worked together. But it isn't going to happen like this, and I have zero sympathy for trads and feminists alike who refuse to do anything but harrumph and blame the guys.

(This tone-deafness isn't the fault of women, IMO: men, too, often graft their own assumptions onto women earlier in life in a strikingly parallel way. But the big difference is that men are penalized harshly for making the wrong assumptions about how the opposite sex works during their 20s in a way women aren't. If any women in her early 30s who wants to find a husband relatively quickly reads this, the one piece of advice I have is this: understand that what will make him want to settle down with you is not the same as what would make you want to settle down with him. I'm not talking about looks vs. career, but on a more primal, psychological level. Men want to be powerful and respected first, loved second. Do not assume what is flattering for you is flattering for him. If you successfully learn this, you'll have a massive advantage over younger competitors.)

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Mar 9, 2022Liked by Katherine Dee

Really interesting post!

I think it’s worthwhile to spend a little time drawing boundaries and talking about what is and isn’t part of the trend you’re talking about. Femcels aren’t, but the “women going their own way” are maybe at least a related phenomenon?

And what about movements like 4T and 6B4T in Asia, which are feminist and sex-negative?

Another thing that is worth distinguishing from the sex-negatitivity trend are moral panics, which have been a staple of conservative and centrist writing since the early 2000’s. I’m thinking of those articles Caitlin Flanagan published in the Atlantic about the oral sex epidemic among American girls. It was mostly Gen X women writing about the lost Millenial girls.

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Walking into a millenial's home I would expect to find a stapler on a desk with a little tag that says "stapler" on it and "desk" on the desk, and a little tag on the toilet that says "toilet." You've fallen victim to your generation's manic desire to label everything. Being choosy about partners doesn't make one "sex negative"; usually it just makes one female, though plenty of men are that way too and catch hell for it. There have always been "believe everything" 19 year old girls, and 50 year old women who have been around the block with men and are sick of their shit. We don't need to label them as anything but women; we certainly never needed to in the past.

This is simply a terrible time in history to be a woman. I won't bore you with tales about why it's no shock that witch burnings happened during the Reformation, a time when people were quite literally terrified they were worshipping the wrong god and would go to hell. Or that the worst beat down of suffragettes was during the first year of the Spanish Flu Epidemic, a time when women were considered insane if they sought an orgasm. During times of social, political, and pandemic upheaval, women are blamed for everything. Everything. I've been called this "Karen" thing more times than I can count, all by white people, usually white men who didn't care for how I stood up to them. Our rights, including reproductive freedom, are fading away into the morass of women-hate. And it's going to be years before it calms down. I agree that these labels are misused, I just don't see ANY use for them that isn't bad for women. Meanwhile I'll twiddle my thumbs, and hope no one finds a match.

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Excellent article! I’m new to your content and I love how eclectic your thinking is as well as how you present it. Thank you for sharing.

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