#28: Friends with benefits, revisited.

DF accidentally becomes a sex columnist.

Today, we talk about whether it’s okay to sleep with your friends.

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Have a question? Drop me a line at defaultefriend@gmail.com, DM me on Twitter at @default_friend, or send me a message on CuriousCat.


Do you have an opinion on sleeping with one's friends? Like, occasionally maybe?

I think if you’re going to sleep with your friends, you need to make sure both you and your friends are emotionally honest. 

Is truly carefree sex—sex that only serves the function of pleasure for both parties— possible? I think so, yes. Is it difficult to come by? More difficult than our culture likes to suggest, that’s for sure. 

If you’re absolutely certain though that either no parties have strong feelings, or that if feelings start to develop you’ll be able to handle it with maturity, then maybe. 

If you’ve been reading my newsletter or Twitter for a while now, you know that I’m emphatically cautious about accidentally using sex as a proxy for love. 

And because I can’t say this often enough: There is no backdoor into getting someone to like you, not even good sex.

I would also consider that sex complicates things for other reasons, too. 

Maybe you’re attracted to your friend, but you two find out that you don’t have sexual chemistry. This on its face can be hard to accept or not take personally for some people. I recall a friend who, no matter how many times it was explained to them, could never accept that there was a difference between physical attractiveness and individual sexual chemistry. These kinds of misunderstandings aren’t reserved for teenagers alone; plenty of adults don’t have the social intelligence to know the difference. 

Another thing that I think is worth entertaining is that how people carry themselves in their professional or personal lives isn’t always how they carry themselves in the bedroom. And, well, there are some things we’re better off not knowing, even about people we’re attracted to. 

Maybe your friend has some kink you weren’t prepared to know about, let alone participate in. Some of us like to think that we’re openminded enough to get over these things, but it’s also not unreasonable for this kind of information to effect us. 

Imagine the horror of brunch next week: your best guy friend is hot and thinks you’re hot too. But you then learn he can’t get off without lurid descriptions of… (fill in the blank as you wish). 

Did you really want to know that? The answer might be yes, but then again, it’s just as easily no.